Recently my acting group spoke directly to the director. We brought him in to meet with us and give us an update of the play.
As he spoke, I sat there and listened. He is not a very positive person, he outed every single actor by saying things in a very general generalized way like everyone’s attitude is wrong, and people talk with people on stage, and blaming everything he could possibly think of completely unaware of the impact he was causing in the room.
He was frustrated and then just had this big dump.
It was hard to listen to and I did not want to step over his comments and allow them to go unchallenged. Like many others I had worked my butt off rehearsing and rescheduling my work schedule to be available for every rehearsal. I did not want to just dump back on him, for being frustrated with his feedback. I did not want to do the same thing to him, right? So, I took a moment to think about what I wanted to say. I wanted to act consciously not just react in an angry or annoyed way. I realise I could have probably spoken on behalf of others and got away with it, but I wanted to say what the impact on me was of hearing his words, and that was the feedback that I gave. I spoke from my experience.
He had a reasonably positive reaction, and he apologized. And then other people spoke up saying they equally felt quite disempowered, from his feedback.
Another example of acting consciously was a recent experience with builders on our site at home and there’s a young guy who is really foul mouthed and in my opinion, quite thoughtless.
We have moved into the studio as the part of our house where the builders are working is shut down and off limits. The door next to our bed was broken and needed sanding and a new lock put in. I noticed he had not thought to put a cover over the bed and did not seem to care that our bed was completely covered in dust. When I spoke to him regarding this, it was obvious that he was just doing his job without thinking about us. We also spoke to the owner of the business about it, and about the language too. I do not mind them swearing when they are talking to each other, but I think that they do not need to do it in front of us. They are on our property and I would appreciate that they show us respect by taking care of our property, possessions and of course using appropriate language.
When I’m running anything… whether it be delivering research results, or training, or facilitating a workshop or course I always go through this next model first.
Empathy, Self-Awareness, Connection
As you can see the model is based on three intersecting circles, the top right is self-awareness.
How present are we? How well do you know yourself? I argue that one of the key aspects of being a leader is how much self-awareness you have.
If you look at the next box the bottom circle, connection it is all about your connection with others, specifically how interested are you? I have spoken about this in other articles, do you have the ability to stand in another person’s shoes and look from their point of view?
Sometimes, before you react, take a moment. Can you see what it might look from their point of view? It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them but it may look a bit different than you see it and add insight into what they see or think.
A quick example, I was brought up in a reasonably well to do family, until my parents broke up. Back then there was very little support for women living on their own, with children. My father left and my mother ended up on benefits. We went from being a reasonably well-off family, to living with my mother who was now providing for five children on the benefit.
When I heard people going on about, people living off the government and being on benefits, I knew what it was like, and I knew that for most people, it was a very difficult and wasn’t due to circumstances that they chose. I had much more of an understanding of what it was like rather than judging people from the outside.
And then the top left circle is about empathy, being kind and acting consciously. Treating others the way you would like to be treated. This is what the beginning of this blog was referring to. The thing I am working on is my own self-awareness, not to react straightaway, to act consciously, to think about how I want to speak to others rather than reacting from frustration or upset or even anger.
These three circles are really critical to the work that we do with clients. In fact, when working with this model with my clients, I say, if you don’t have self-awareness, I’m not sure how you can achieve the other two circles.
You do not have a level of self-awareness, are not aware of yourself, how can you be more interested? And how can you really connect with people when you are so unaware of yourself?
When I am delivering research results before I share the feedback from customers, I ask the group a key question – what’s it like to be a customer of yours? It’s easy to react to individual comments, you do not have to agree with everything they say, but it is important to understand what they perceive to be true, is true for them.
I remember working with a teaching group, and one of the teachers said about the top left empathy circle be kind and act consciously. He said, I really must be careful what I say to kids sometimes because I can say things that they may never forget. We can label people and they start to live on that label. It’s a really interesting conversation when you are talking about these things, to see what circles stand out for different people.
And, you know, for me, in my own personal life, I work all these all the time. I believe I have some reasonable level of self-awareness, but it can always improve.
If we relate this back to our customers and delivering a 10 out of 10 experience, you have to have a level of self-awareness, be able to connect and have empathy to understanding what it’s like for others.
Just today I was listening to my wife dealing with a super company, we’re trying to move some of our super and from one fund to another and it’s been such an ordeal. It has taken us weeks and weeks and weeks of conversations and numerous forms trying to get this money moved. And they keep telling us I need this, or you must give us this. And then today, they sent us a note with a link saying, can you please complete this link which we have already done, and we have a copy of it. As I listened to my wife trying to explain to this woman today on the phone who just did not get it. My wife even said to her, “I know it is not you, it is the system, but I am telling you, our frustration. Have a look at all the notes. Look at how long we have been dealing with this. Even our accountant has been dealing with you. Not once did the woman stop, really listen, and get it her world. She just basically talked over my wife. In the end we hung up and then rang another guy. The difference was amazing. The first thing he said after my wife shared why she was calling and the experience she had just had, and he just went, oh, my goodness, I am so sorry. I am so sorry you have had this experience and had to call us again, you know, and I understand this has obviously been taking way too long for you just to move money into your own account. Let me look at what I can do to help you. In that moment I saw her relax.
The three circles make a difference in both work and personal relationships. I invite you to look at how you might create your own version of these circles.
Need more information? Have a look through my previous Blogs, located on The Loyalty Zone website or contact me, I look forward to hearing from you.
If you have enjoyed this article, feel free to share with someone else you know will find this helpful.
If someone has forwarded you this email, you are welcome to join The Loyalty Conversation, I appreciate your commitment to the conversation.
Warm Regards,
Craig Cherry